Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Just Close Your Eyes

Mood: peculiar.
Hating: my stupid Statistics class; and this final assignment.
Loving: rice krispies; new friends.
Lip-syncing: Safe and Sound -- Taylor Swift and the Civil Wars

When you’re telling me what your boss had done earlier at work to prove, yet again, that he’s the biggest asshole at the agency while your fingers comb through my hair.  Or when you update me on your uncle’s condition and how he’ll be released from the hospital next week while your fingers trickle down my spine and whirlpool at the small of my back. Or when we discuss Indiana Jones and your thumb swirls around the pop of my hip bone.

These moments.

When you listen to me gossip about how George tried asking out the new girl in the office and she turned him down while your hand smooths over my body, like the waves; ebbing high and flowing so low. Or when I read aloud with your thumb suspended above my lips, occasionally sweeping over ever so slightly, caressing me like a mist, like a fog.

These moments. I live for these moments.

When our words fall without filters and your fingers spill all over me. When one is not possible without the other. When words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. 

Sometimes when we’re laying in bed, we must sound just like that to the rest of the universe. I want to lay with you. Right here, like this, for the rest of the night. And all through the rest of my nights.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Reblogged from My Tumblr

This video hurts my soul.  There is a difference between “a spanking” and outright beating a child.  I’ve never made a video about this, but watching this brings back a lot of hatred of my childhood.  Judge William Adams needs to go to jail for this sort of child abuse that was a common occurrence according to his daughter. 
The same thing would happen to me as a child.  My parents were divorced and my mom had massive anger problems.  She always knew I loved my dad more and it infuriated her.  One time in particular I got “caught” talking to my dad on the phone even though my mom had banned me from speaking with him.  She was furious.  She whipped off her belt and just went to town.  Legs, arm, neck, and back (Much like Judge Adams).  Its one of the reasons I find it hard to love her.  But the one silver lining that I take away from it is I will never beat my child.  I will never be any of the terrible things my mom was.  I’ve never shared that before.

I couldn’t watch more than a minute of this, because it makes me cry. Just like Phil, my mother used to do something similar to me, except with a broom. It took me a very long time to learn how to fight back, and still to this day I wonder what kind of person I might have turned out to be if I hadn’t had to experience it. I probably never would have accepted my first boyfriend beating me for as long as he did; I would have realized sooner that this isn’t the way to express love.Because it’s not. Never is this acceptable. I know now how disgusting and wrong this is. But if this is happening to you or someone you know, please help them.
No one should ever have to share this kind of experience.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Gather Your Strength and Rise Up

Lip-syncing: Sara Bareilles -- Bluebird


I have no real excuse for my absence. I just...I've been lost in my own little world; and not in a good way.

I've just been struggling to figure out my life. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going any more. Call it a...fifth-of-life crisis? I'm just reaching a point where I'm so much happier just curled up in my bed all day doing nothing. And even though we often joke about how awesome it would be to do nothing my whole life, I can't help but think how terrible that would be in reality...

I haven't been able to write. I haven't been able to focus. I haven't been myself for awhile now. Well, that is to say if who I was is really who I am. Does that make sense? Probably not. Nothing really makes sense to me right now. Which is probably why work irritates me so much, why I'm pretty much failing school, and why so many of the people I thought were friends are abandoning me. Abandon is a strong word-perhaps ignoring is a better fit. But in either case, I just have to figure some shit out before I do anything. This anti-social, manic-depressive behaviour is quite frankly very dangerous. And when you're starting to frighten yourself, then you know it's time for something to change.

I really do need to gather my strength and rise up.

Question is whether I can or not...and where I go from here.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Mood:  meh.
Hating:  my jobs.
Loving:  alcohol.


What made the beauty of the moon? / And the beauty of the sea? / Did that beauty make you? / Did that beauty make me? / Will that make me something? / Will I be something? / Am I something?

And the answer comes: Already am, always was, and I still have time to be.

-- Anis Mojgani’s, “Here Am I”

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Memories Won't Let You Cry

Mood:  exhausted.
Hating:  how I'm so tired and have no life because I'm working so much.
Loving:  sleep; wish I could get more...
Lip-syncing:  Avenged Sevenfold -- M.I.A

The Evolution of Love.

"Have you ever been in love with the memory of something?

Failing to see that what truly exists now is nothing like the memory. That is, the definition; what defined that person you envision ceases to exist yet you still force yourself to perceive it.

There is no perception without sensation. Perception without sensation is mere delusion.

Even when you see through it, you convince yourself there is still hope that the memory can be relived. When that moment comes that’s when you know someone has taken a piece of you with them when they leave you.

That’s how you know. When you realize that you spend more time trying to convince yourself, than living.. thats when you’ve  not only lost the person you so crave, but you’ve lost yourself. You want to hold on to them but you cant and you know that they have so much of you and you wont get it back.

People try so hard to turn back time.

But even a mere moment, a split second can be definitive and irreversible. Some things can never be replaced or fixed. But this is difficult for the human mind to take in. It is difficult for the human mind to grasp something as non-linear as loss.

We are too fixated on the constant.

When you fall in love with someone and that someone falls in love with you the only thing you can control is how you feel. We have no power over the other person and you cant and wont be able to control when they fall out of love with you.

This is a risk we take when we fall in love. There is a fear of becoming so enveloped in someone that we don’t even know who we are anymore. People are so powerless when it comes to love. All we can control is how much we hurt ourselves and others and how much we take out of life.

We can control deceit and truthfulness

We all have the power to control what projects from within ourselves. We control negative things and positive things we choose and resist to put into the world. We cannot control the negative and positive things that come from others. We may influence them but we do not dictate certain outcomes.

But we can’t really control love

Falling in love— its the one thing that simply happens. It’s the riskiest thing any human being could do, but the greatest thing anyone could feel. It is what lifts you up and makes you see the light in every darkened room.

Never let the memories die. Just don’t let the memories overtake you and distort the reality and possible beauty that lives beyond that once existent love.

I’ve loved and lost and thought the only thing I’d ever want was the faint memory of a past I once had. Now I know I can love another and not only love but be loved in return. The way I feel now is too powerful for words. When they aren’t there I don’t hope they are thinking about me. I know they are. I don’t have to worry that they care, I simply know. When they leave I think about the next time I’ll see them and count down the hours, minutes and seconds.

The greatest test of someone’s love for you is that look in their eyes when they see you the very next morning with your eyes all hazy and your hair all messy —that moment when their eyes smile at you and cannot seem to look away. When you simply see the person you love breathing calmly into the warmth of a summer night and all you feel is euphoria that’s when you know.

Now I know.

I hope you know who you are and I hope you know how much you matter. For you, are worth every risk. You are worth every ounce of uncertainty that comes with falling in love.

You are the light."