Never

Reblogged from My Tumblr

defranco:

This video hurts my soul.  There is a difference between “a spanking” and outright beating a child.  I’ve never made a video about this, but watching this brings back a lot of hatred of my childhood.  Judge William Adams needs to go to jail for this sort of child abuse that was a common occurrence according to his daughter. 

The same thing would happen to me as a child.  My parents were divorced and my mom had massive anger problems.  She always knew I loved my dad more and it infuriated her.  One time in particular I got “caught” talking to my dad on the phone even though my mom had banned me from speaking with him.  She was furious.  She whipped off her belt and just went to town.  Legs, arm, neck, and back (Much like Judge Adams).  Its one of the reasons I find it hard to love her.  But the one silver lining that I take away from it is I will never beat my child.  I will never be any of the terrible things my mom was.  I’ve never shared that before.

I couldn’t watch more than a minute of this, because it makes me cry. Just like Phil, my mother used to do something similar to me, except with a broom. It took me a very long time to learn how to fight back, and still to this day I wonder what kind of person I might have turned out to be if I hadn’t had to experience it. I probably never would have accepted my first boyfriend beating me for as long as he did; I would have realized sooner that this isn’t the way to express love.Because it’s not. Never is this acceptable. I know now how disgusting and wrong this is. But if this is happening to you or someone you know, please help them.

No one should ever have to share this kind of experience.

http://www.childhelp.org/

Gather Your Strength and Rise Up

Mood:
Hating:
Loving:
Lip-syncing: Sara Bareilles -- Bluebird

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I have no real excuse for my absence. I just...I've been lost in my own little world; and not in a good way.

I've just been struggling to figure out my life. I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going any more. Call it a...fifth-of-life crisis? I'm just reaching a point where I'm so much happier just curled up in my bed all day doing nothing. And even though we often joke about how awesome it would be to do nothing my whole life, I can't help but think how terrible that would be in reality...

I haven't been able to write. I haven't been able to focus. I haven't been myself for awhile now. Well, that is to say if who I was is really who I am. Does that make sense? Probably not. Nothing really makes sense to me right now. Which is probably why work irritates me so much, why I'm pretty much failing school, and why so many of the people I thought were friends are abandoning me. Abandon is a strong word-perhaps ignoring is a better fit. But in either case, I just have to figure some shit out before I do anything. This anti-social, manic-depressive behaviour is quite frankly very dangerous. And when you're starting to frighten yourself, then you know it's time for something to change.

I really do need to gather my strength and rise up.

Question is whether I can or not...and where I go from here.

Mood:  meh.

Hating:  my jobs.

Loving:  alcohol.

Lip-syncing: 

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What made the beauty of the moon? / And the beauty of the sea? / Did that beauty make you? / Did that beauty make me? / Will that make me something? / Will I be something? / Am I something?

And the answer comes: Already am, always was, and I still have time to be.

-- Anis Mojgani’s, “Here Am I”

Memories Won't Let You Cry

Mood:  exhausted.
Hating:  how I'm so tired and have no life because I'm working so much.
Loving:  sleep; wish I could get more...
Lip-syncing:  Avenged Sevenfold -- M.I.A
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The Evolution of Love.

"Have you ever been in love with the memory of something?

Failing to see that what truly exists now is nothing like the memory. That is, the definition; what defined that person you envision ceases to exist yet you still force yourself to perceive it.

There is no perception without sensation. Perception without sensation is mere delusion.

Even when you see through it, you convince yourself there is still hope that the memory can be relived. When that moment comes that’s when you know someone has taken a piece of you with them when they leave you.

That’s how you know. When you realize that you spend more time trying to convince yourself, than living.. thats when you’ve  not only lost the person you so crave, but you’ve lost yourself. You want to hold on to them but you cant and you know that they have so much of you and you wont get it back.

People try so hard to turn back time.

But even a mere moment, a split second can be definitive and irreversible. Some things can never be replaced or fixed. But this is difficult for the human mind to take in. It is difficult for the human mind to grasp something as non-linear as loss.

We are too fixated on the constant.

When you fall in love with someone and that someone falls in love with you the only thing you can control is how you feel. We have no power over the other person and you cant and wont be able to control when they fall out of love with you.

This is a risk we take when we fall in love. There is a fear of becoming so enveloped in someone that we don’t even know who we are anymore. People are so powerless when it comes to love. All we can control is how much we hurt ourselves and others and how much we take out of life.

We can control deceit and truthfulness

We all have the power to control what projects from within ourselves. We control negative things and positive things we choose and resist to put into the world. We cannot control the negative and positive things that come from others. We may influence them but we do not dictate certain outcomes.

But we can’t really control love

Falling in love— its the one thing that simply happens. It’s the riskiest thing any human being could do, but the greatest thing anyone could feel. It is what lifts you up and makes you see the light in every darkened room.

Never let the memories die. Just don’t let the memories overtake you and distort the reality and possible beauty that lives beyond that once existent love.

I’ve loved and lost and thought the only thing I’d ever want was the faint memory of a past I once had. Now I know I can love another and not only love but be loved in return. The way I feel now is too powerful for words. When they aren’t there I don’t hope they are thinking about me. I know they are. I don’t have to worry that they care, I simply know. When they leave I think about the next time I’ll see them and count down the hours, minutes and seconds.

The greatest test of someone’s love for you is that look in their eyes when they see you the very next morning with your eyes all hazy and your hair all messy —that moment when their eyes smile at you and cannot seem to look away. When you simply see the person you love breathing calmly into the warmth of a summer night and all you feel is euphoria that’s when you know.

Now I know.

I hope you know who you are and I hope you know how much you matter. For you, are worth every risk. You are worth every ounce of uncertainty that comes with falling in love.

You are the light."

We'll Do What We Like, Because Life's In Short Supply

Mood:  content.
Hating:  how I should probably be exercising, or doing laundry, or cleaning...
Loving:  just relaxing.
Lip-syncing:  Bleeker Ridge -- From Now On

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Just trying to get back into the swing of writing again. Bear with me...

See Who I Am

I slowly woke feeling the sun’s rays beating down on me. I saw the light glow behind my eyelids and the warmth on my face and hair. An arm was lightly wrapped around my waist and a gentle finger traced circles around my belly button. Light feather kisses were placed on my shoulder and I could feel the coolness of the piercings from his lips. His messy black hair brushed against my neck and his breath feathered my skin as he quickly moved his lips up to the special spot on my neck. I jerked fully awake as I couldn’t hold back the moan that sprang forth. I could practically hear him smirk. It was his sure-fire way to wake me up; always.
 

I slid away a little to stretch before moving back, molding my body to his. His chin sat on my shoulder as he kissed my cheek and jaw down to my neck. I sighed contently reaching a hand back sliding it into his silky black hair and twirled the soft locks between my fingers. His other hand cupped my chin turning it making his nose lightly rub against mine. His wide green eyes fixed on my face though I hadn’t opened my brown ones yet. I just felt it. Felt his gaze just like I felt the finger on my belly button make slow circles. I slowly smiled keeping my eyes closed as his warm large hand cupped my cheek. I turned my face lightly kissing his palm before leaning into his touch. 

He was not what anyone would have expected. He wasn’t violent like people believed when they saw his tattoos. He wasn’t angry and searching for attention as so many people thought seeing his piercings. His fit body and large hands weren’t meant to destroy and cause pain. They were meant to be gentle; to coax beautiful notes from the strings of a guitar, or to love and touch a woman. He wasn’t an alcoholic or a druggie like so many people assumed when he had a bottle of beer in his hand or a cigarette hanging between his perfect lips. He wasn’t lonely just because he played to thousands of screaming fans every night on tour.

He wasn’t meant to be alone because I couldn’t stop loving him.

His lips pressed to my forehead and I smiled lightly. He lingered and smiled then pulled away and looked down pressing his forehead to the top of my head, presumably looking down at me.
 

“So what do I have to do today to get you to open your eyes?” I could hear the amusement in his tone. I fought back a smile myself.

Somehow he had fallen for me. I wasn’t what anyone would expect. I had straight dark hair. No one would have thought it’d been dyed more colors than a rainbow unless they took a look at my adolescent photos. I had a plain brown eyes. No one would have expected that I used to rim it with layers of black eyeliner. I wear suits and carry a briefcase around. No one would have noticed my body full of tattoos and high alcohol tolerance. I was widely respected in the business world. No one would have pictured me laying in bed with a man who was seen completely opposite of what he looked like.
 

We were two people who were seen as something but someone else entirely. And we were the only two people who saw who the other really was. We were two people who had fallen in love. I breathed a laugh.

“Nothing today…just ask.” I heard him lightly chuckle as he moved back and laid me down straight up. The sheets covered me as he held himself up on his side with an arm with his other hand still on my stomach.
 

“Will you please open your beautiful eyes for me to see, baby?” My eyelids fluttered before I opened them fully. I carefully turned in his arms so I could lie on my back, and found jade green orbs staring back at me. His eyes slightly lit up at the site of mine, for some odd reason. His hand slid up from my stomach to my cheek and slowly stroked his thumb under my eye biting his lip. He leaned in pressing his full lips to mine as our bodies molded together. He lingered, lightly breathing on me, holding me tightly to his chest before pulling back keeping his lips at a comfortable distance in case he found the urge once more to kiss me.
 

“Good afternoon my love…” he murmured staring into my eyes as his hair mixed with mine and his warmth spread to my body. I smiled sliding a hand to his neck lightly holding and keeping him in his same position.
 

“Afternoon already?” I asked. He nodded, smiling wider.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Best in awhile, actually,” I told him. He seemed happy with that thought. “So what are we doing today?” He laughed a little.
 

“Today? Nothing… I just wanna stay in bed with you.” I smiled widely leaning in stealing a kiss from him.
 

“Sounds good. I’ll call in some food… you have to go down and get it though.” I lightly smirked as he laughed and nodded.

“Ok…only for you.” I looked at his eyes seeing the light green and blue around the edges with a darker green surrounding the irises. He had the most incredible eyes. Like seeing my entire life, is what it boiled down to.

“I love you…” I smiled hearing the words I’ve heard for the past few years and knew I would hear for the rest of my life as well.
 

“I love you too…” He leaned in and gave me a kiss I’d never forget.