Friday, January 23, 2009

I Found Myself Listening...

Mood: confused, tired.
Hating: that I got nothing done today.
Loving: the amazingness known as chocolate.
Lip-syncing: Missy Higgins -- Where I Stood


Ah, the art of procrastination. I haven't written anything in quite awhile, mostly because I can't. I'm stuck. And yes, it sucks.

Despite the idea of the new year being a "blank canvas" and a "fresh start", I find myself despising the present. Call me ungrateful, but I really wish I was somewhere else right now. With the rush of work, bills, exams and university applications, I feel as though I have no time for myself. Thing is, I know that I'm not using my time to its fullest potential, so really I have no right to be complaining.

But is it so wrong it complain every once in awhile? I know that we're suppose to be optimistic, and love everything that we are given, yet I'm hard pressed to do this during an incredibly stressful time of year.

I like to think I'm a fairly happy person, with friends, family, a job and pretty much a well-rounded life. I like to laugh, dance like no one's watching, and all that jazz.

But aren't we all entitled to our rough days?

Is it really so wrong for me to want to, for once, wallow in self-pity? I'd like to dig out my bleak outlook mask and wear it for just for a little while.

You know, I really should be studying, or writing for my university applications. Yet here I sit, my thoughts straying to relationships and love again. It may have been brought on by reading a few of my friends' blogs (feel free to check out our joint blog:, but I've caught myself contemplating my choices. With so many of my friends in long-term, fulfilling relationships, I sometimes feel like the odd one out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about them, or feeling resentment towards them just because they've found someone special to share this part of life with. In fact, I'm thrilled. There are three or four weddings lined up for the upcoming summer.

I don't regret a lot of my choices. Life is shaped by choices, and you can't live your life forever looking back. But aren't I entitled to miss someone? Aren't I entitled to perhaps want something back? It's not that I don't appreciate those in my life now. I love them, for they are who they are, and they love me despite all they know. And I follow their advice, ignoring the little fluttering in my stomach at his name, ignoring the pain of seeing him, ignoring the bubbles of doubt creeping into me. I'm better off, right? I can't wallow in self-pity and loneliness, I can't wear that type of mask. That would be wrong.

But is it really so wrong for me to want him back?


Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Close Encounters

Mood: tired; wanting to sing and randomly dance around...
Hating: that I'm procrastinating so badly even though I've got a hundred and one things to do...but writing stories is much more entertaining than working on ISUs
Loving: food, and the fact that class is almost over!
Lip-syncing: nothing; listening to the beeping of a stupid malfunctioning printer...I do, however, have Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer stuck in my head...


The car cruised along the empty roads, galloping along the stretch of concrete until it slowed to crunch upon the dirt of the unmarked roads ahead. Though it was nearing dark– it already being close to five– the sun shone its last few, cold, rays of light to illuminate the journey ahead. They drew her in. The fields on either side were empty save for the few grazing animals here and there, but she could see nobody other than herself, and, more importantly, she could see no other traffic up ahead. The road was free, free for her to drive as fast as she liked, for as long as she liked. Fiona's hand flexed on the steering wheel, her grip lingering on the handbrake as she brought the car to bite, feeling the engine lift as she raised her foot. This was the careful stage, careful to push the car just enough to gain speed, but not enough for it to roll down the hill and spoil all the fun of feeling it move rapidly underneath her. As she released the brake the car rolled foreword, slowly at first but quicker as she pushed the gas down, foot getting nearer to the floor, sixty kilometres per hour showed up on the display behind her hands. The blues, browns and greens around her started to morph into shapeless colours. Just a little bit faster. Her foot continued to apply pressure, closer to the floor.
Shift to third.
Eighty kilometres.
Shift to forth.
Ninety kilometres.
Shift to fifth.
She was nearing a hundred and ten; taking turns rapidly as the country road soared past. The CD from the radio blasted a guilty pleasure, with the voice of Bon Jovi screaming about living on a prayer. Fiona was living on a prayer right now, speeding down these roads like a bat out of hell and not even turning the radio down a little to hear of any oncoming traffic. Where was the joy in driving a car fast, but safely? If you were going to become a speed demon, you embraced the exhilaration that came from knowing, that with just one second, you could end your whole life. Blood coursed through her veins, pushed by the sheer adrenaline she was experiencing. She took the corner too quickly and for a moment the tires skidded on the dirt path and her stomach dropped. But just as quickly as quickly as the panic had settled into her, the tires evened out and both fears were gone. She was cruising smoothly once again.
Trees flew by, no longer being individual solid forms but becoming a blur of green and brown outside her windows, then disappearing to become dots in the side mirror. The road panned out before her, markings rapidly moving under the car, the wheels skimming over the rough ground, the colour of the car becoming crisp in the sunlight. This was what they made cars for. This car wasn't just functional, it was her baby, and it was her pride and joy. It got her from zero to sixty in less time than it took to even boil a damn kettle. She could even wind down the window to have the breeze whip through her hair, feel the freedom the road provided sliding along her skin. Her head bumped along to the next song on the CD, filling the car, vibrating through it as the bass shook the speaker in the back. For a brief moment she closed her eyes, letting her concentration hone in on the whir of the road below her. She was glad to have left the city behind, to leave the fumes, the noise, the shouts and the cries back in that circus of a town. The country roads were deserted, empty except for the animals in the field. They were back roads, marked only by the noise she made, like her own private part of the world. All her own to do what she liked.
Her hands gripped the wheel tighter. Her heart thundered in her chest, echoing in her ears despite her voice chanting along to the lyrics pouring from the speakers.
The roads were long and winding and as she rounded a wide bend she became faintly aware of another sound. It was coming along the narrow road, loud and obnoxious, not like her silent car. She caught sight of it as she rounded the bend, big yellow, machinery pushed together. A tractor? It glimmered in the gaps in the hedges and she slammed down hard on the brakes as it came into view, going slow but not slow enough for her have braked any sooner. The driver stared wide eyed, yanking the steering wheel and plowing into the hedges, while Fiona's car skidded to a stop, her front bumper going straight into a fence of bushes, the tractor barely cleared the front of the car.
The man in the tractor started to rave first, ranting and raving about kids driving too fast down the lanes, along with, "Haven't you seen the signs?!" His face had gone red and while Fiona felt slightly embarrassment she did nothing more than reverse carefully back up into the bushes and pray it was enough room for the tractor to drive by. The guy gave up shouting and set his gas before driving close into the bushes to clear the gap. Fiona sat in her car and once he was past let a small smile play onto her face. The smile turned into a grin, and after the grin she broke out into giggles. She was still giggling even as she set back off and decided to head home.

Fiona liked driving fast, but she was growing fond of close encounters too.

Dedicated to Fi, whom I miss very much <3