Friday, January 23, 2009

I Found Myself Listening...

Mood: confused, tired.
Hating: that I got nothing done today.
Loving: the amazingness known as chocolate.
Lip-syncing: Missy Higgins -- Where I Stood

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Ah, the art of procrastination. I haven't written anything in quite awhile, mostly because I can't. I'm stuck. And yes, it sucks.

Despite the idea of the new year being a "blank canvas" and a "fresh start", I find myself despising the present. Call me ungrateful, but I really wish I was somewhere else right now. With the rush of work, bills, exams and university applications, I feel as though I have no time for myself. Thing is, I know that I'm not using my time to its fullest potential, so really I have no right to be complaining.

But is it so wrong it complain every once in awhile? I know that we're suppose to be optimistic, and love everything that we are given, yet I'm hard pressed to do this during an incredibly stressful time of year.

I like to think I'm a fairly happy person, with friends, family, a job and pretty much a well-rounded life. I like to laugh, dance like no one's watching, and all that jazz.

But aren't we all entitled to our rough days?

Is it really so wrong for me to want to, for once, wallow in self-pity? I'd like to dig out my bleak outlook mask and wear it for just for a little while.

You know, I really should be studying, or writing for my university applications. Yet here I sit, my thoughts straying to relationships and love again. It may have been brought on by reading a few of my friends' blogs (feel free to check out our joint blog: http://www.thethreemes.blogspot.com/), but I've caught myself contemplating my choices. With so many of my friends in long-term, fulfilling relationships, I sometimes feel like the odd one out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about them, or feeling resentment towards them just because they've found someone special to share this part of life with. In fact, I'm thrilled. There are three or four weddings lined up for the upcoming summer.

I don't regret a lot of my choices. Life is shaped by choices, and you can't live your life forever looking back. But aren't I entitled to miss someone? Aren't I entitled to perhaps want something back? It's not that I don't appreciate those in my life now. I love them, for they are who they are, and they love me despite all they know. And I follow their advice, ignoring the little fluttering in my stomach at his name, ignoring the pain of seeing him, ignoring the bubbles of doubt creeping into me. I'm better off, right? I can't wallow in self-pity and loneliness, I can't wear that type of mask. That would be wrong.

But is it really so wrong for me to want him back?

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Where I Stood by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See, I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cause I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cause she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

2 comments:

Myself said...

It sucks being a chic.
you try so hard to play by the rules and do everything to protect your heart and no matter how hard you try to live by the 'date like a guy so you don't get played like a bitch' life style, those damn feelings always creep out and it still ends up hurting.
to answer your question. yes it is okay. it's probably harder for you to accept that than anyone else. You don't want to live up to the expectations of being moody and 'sad' but hey isn't that why they made Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Just don't suffer by yourself okay?
that will make it worse. I'm not saying cry with someone but be with people and surround yourself with people who love you and you love.

its something you can never get used to. you just learn to forget it. everytime your heart will break even if its what you want or what you think is best.

no matter how scary it is, you have to let out that 'girlyness' somehow somewhere or else its just going to get worse. trust me i've been there. find your output.

always here<3

I said...

Thanks <3